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Explanation and realization

Okay so I think I figured something about myself out. One problem I've been having recently with a couple friends of mine is the fact that I don't vent, or share my feelings and emotions. My response if I decide to respond truthfully because I more than likely know the answer if I say it is "I don't want to waste your time with something that pointless and stupid as my emotions" and they argue with me "oh its not dumb" or "that's not healthy" and I normally tend to blow them off or try to avoid the subject alltogether. The last time someone got me to share verbally share my feelings I felt so stupid and bad I threw up. I honestly vomited because I felt like I had just shot their parents or something it was that bad. To describe the feeling its like I am taking advantage of them their time and completely wasting it by telling them about something I will get over in time. The more I think about it though the more it makes sense though. I'm thinking it was the way I was raised. I didn't really have that much of a loving household/environment as a young guy. Looking back at it I was told that no one cares about your feelings that crying is weakness asking for help is weakness emotion is weakness. I was told that it was wrong to display or project your feelings because it was a waste of time and served no purpose. Bottling everything in was true strength and that's what it took to be a man. That kinda shit was figuratively and literally beaten into me as a child. Now I know though that its all bullshit and I have no problem listening to people vent and stuff but I wont. Not at least until I somehow forget my entire childhood as well as other shit I've been through in the past. I've tried several ways to get over it all and to get in touch with my emotions but I'm moving at a snails pace. Hell last year I started asking people for help and advice on situations and that's taken its toll on my pride and self esteem to the point that sometimes I feel like a piece of shit for not being able to do it myself. More often than not I feel worse off asking for helpful advice than the if the situation I asked advice for was rectified. I know I probably shouldn't feel bad for asking but I do everytime. As for the venting I don't know they say it'll make me feel better and I've heard all about people feeling better afterwards but to be completely honest I think I'm scared of what'll happen because you see keeping everything inside and all that is what I'm used to and I don't know what would happen if I let it all out. It'd be like telling an arachniphobe (sp) to put his hand in a clear plastic box full of black widows that have healing venom. Not to mention I have trust issues out the ass. The two people I would trust with everything both died a long time ago and I've become very withdrawn because I don't see myself getting that close to someone again for a long long time.

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And then I feel like a fucking retard...

(sorry in advance for all the periods pretend their commas)

Okay so to start let's have a look at something about me Im 19 years old I've been succesfully living on my own for the past going on 4 years. I have my own place my 2 door sports car that's 5 years old gets paid off next month. I have my own place. I have health insurance. Job security. I snowboard. I dance.more often than not I find myself attractive(ish). I'm closing in on a 5 figure savings account quickly, I have awesome credit. I'm a musician. I speak (broken parts of) 7 languages. I like to think I'm intelligent or I'm at least not a drooling jock. I stay fit and healthy. I'm not a slut. I make alotta people laugh way too hard sometimes. I'm more generous than anyone ever should be. I help far too many people with way to many problems over my age. Shit EVERYONE who's guessed my age has always missed it be at least 4 years older than what I actually am. There is a slight possibility that I'll be making 6 figs by this time next year. I'm social. I'm mature when I need to be. I'm stable. I don't think I'm crazy.

So. What. The fuck. Makes me so unwanted?

Seriously I'm not gonna sit here and make the "nobody loves me" pitty party because A. I don't work that way B. I'm under the firm belief that the world doesn't care. And another reason why I think this is stupid IM fucking 19 why the hell do I want a relaionship at this age it's stupid. I've got years ahead of me (hopefully) so why are my dumbass emotions fucking up my days with random bouts of "you'll allways be a friend for everyone...and that's about it" and it doesn't make me sad it pisses me the fuck off. Moreso I believe because of all the effort I put into becoming a better person and getting over the dumb shit in my past feels like I am wasting my time. And quite honestly I'm sick of hearing "oh but phor you're a wonderful guy and you're going to find someone just as great!" bullshit! No I'm not and no I won't. Now this can be broken down into "well as long as you have that mentality you won't" but you see wether I have the mentality or not doesn't hinder or help who happens to be where and when. But it's still fucking retarded to even feel this way too. I really don't know what to do because even if I did meet someone... They won't live in Colorado FUCKING guarantee that one and I'd only uproot myself for a job and I for damn sure am not doing a long distance relationship. I don't know maybe recently I've just been vgetting pissed off at all the cold shoulders I've gotten in the past few months and that made me reflect on the thought "who cares?" yes I love all my friends although as big of pains in my ass they can get. I love them all but there is this retarded thing in my chest that gives me the dumbest craving that a friend can't give but I don't need that yet but it's not goin to go away either. And there's nothing I can do about it. It's like some kind of soul suckin spiral that won't quit. And I have no damn clue what to do with or about it. I'm not going to force myself into a relationship thts just fucking selfish and mean. Even though temporarily it wouldn't hurt anymore I couldn't do that to someone else. Which is why this entire situation is just stupid and I feel like a complete retard....

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Ac was a blast but moreso it was an eye opening experience and I got a chance to reflect on a ton of things about myself. One of said things I got to reflect on was issues in my person. However issues may be the inappropriate word so I should say charachteristics. I noticed that I tend to cling and "adopt" people as my family. Probably because technically I don't have my own. Because I look at people close to me as substitutes, for example I see vyn as my little brother arcs mom, and gen as my mother Joe is more of a father figure and so on. Reguardless I don't know if something like that is healthy or if I should stop. To be honest I really don't want to burden the guys with a title like that and end up creeping them out or pushing them away. I donno :/

#2 okay so I won the dance competition this year at ac again. That's awesome and all but my personal stance on it? I really didn't think my dancing wasn't upto par with the previous years. I don't know if it was the suit or heat or just how I felt at the time or what but on stage it felt sloppy. But hey it always does however to me looking at a video I seemed less flashy and not quite as clean. My stance on getting first? It doesn't matter to me anymore really. First place is really a title given by a pannel of people who mostly weren't professional. All first place and second place an third place truly is upto the eye of he beholder. And btw next year I'm judging because it's my strong belief that one of the dancers got shafted in his position.

#3 ahh the "IM SINGLE NO ONE LOVES ME" section. Last weekend made me see the flaws in myself. And quite honestly I do believe I have a ton of attractive qualities... For a friend. But I've got to take a step back and look at all the parameters of the situation before I can chase someone romantically. One of the biggest hangups is how selective I am. Now I realize that this isn't a bad thing at all to be although it helps the process alot it doesn't feel too good. Now back it up a second here I'm 19 but I'm not looking to settle down just quite yet. However it'd be nice to date and all that goofy stuff. And finally I must state that the lack of sex is really annoying as well. I'm a little frustrated with it at the moment because it's not that I can't get it. It's that I won't get it. I have extreme guilt sleeping with someone after coming out of a breakup so soon (unless I really really really wanted it). Like I really got close to having sex at the con (with someone Ive known for a while not a hookup :P) but i pussed out because of the guilt... Sucks too because it woulda been HOT T.T

Any way all in all that's a lil more about me

~duty cycle
~free weezy

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(no subject)

Well still alive and kicking my paranoia was true it just never followed through with it and it actually turned out for the better for both parties. I'm happy to have a friend back and one less instance where I have to fear for my life :)

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(no subject)

An old familiar chill runs down my spine. Some lingering ghosts from my past are catching upto me even though I've completely turned my life arond since then and I once again am throwing myself into waters that may shorten my time here on earth but instead this time I am on the defence and trusting. however everything in me screams don't do it my loyalty to my friends outweighs it all. The next day will fortell my future on this planet. I never show it but on the inside I'm parslyzed with fear however my resolve holds true and I will carry on for I am who I am. There is a heavy metal song that goes as follows "by now I should be fucking dead yet these sacred lands I still tread never underestimate immortality" we shall see if these words hold true for me. I have survived in the past by relying on my guts and intellegence and for once I am ignoring it. Let's hope this isn't a bad decision. I pray to whatever that this is just paranoia and everything is going to be fine but there is far too much to support otherwise. If for any reason things go south and I am unable to carry on. I say that I love all my friends and they are my family. They are not a substitute they just are. God imma feel real silly if this is all just some paranoid blue balls but something isn't right and I'm doing it anyway. Well as they say tomorrow is a new day! Thank you all and good night for now I'll catch y'all later!

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That old familiar feeling

You know everyone has things in their past that they'd like to forget or they want to stay in the past. Every now and again they get those urges to go back to that too.

You see someone very close to me. Has gone missing. this person really doesn't deserve to be close to me at all. This person has lied to me stolen from me abandoned me at a time when I really really needed them they have thrown me to the side in the past when I wasn't ready to be alone at all.

I've lied for this person to help them get out of situations. I've stolen for this person to make sure that they can eat. I've even held up a job for this person to keep a roof over their head when I didn't have to nor was it my responsibility. I've watched them go to jail time and time again when they said they loved me and wouldn't go back. I even wrote them letters and took care of their shit while they were in.

I've moved states for this person. I've endured the worst of neighborhoods for this person. I've watched them do the worst of drugs and have had to deal with the aftermath. I've even fistfought this person. But yet something in me still remains loyal to this person and I don't know why.

Recently they've gotten their life back on track. They have a steady income, their off parole, and things were looking up.

Bub since they've gotten off parole they decided to come from their state to mine to visit me. Even promised to buy me a tattoo today! But two nights ago they opted to go hang out with some old friends of theirs and yesterday morning called and said "I'm sorry" and hung up. Since then they havnt answered their phone at all for anyone I know as well as myself , and no one has seen them since.

Now the old familiar feeling that's itching at my spine right now? I wanna go find them and whoever they're hanging out with. With a red flag out of my back pocket. An if their "friends" regressed them back to their old ways that they've finnaly gotten out of I wanna take my ally from them by anymeans nessecary and keep him from ever seeing them again by. Any. Means. Nessecary.

I want to go back to my bangin days if it means saving them. Call up the entire cliq and roll 40 deep wherever I need to to get my job done and it won't be quiet. I still want to yell "soo woop" whenever I can or when I'm hyphy. I want to so bad right now but I swore never to. Would it be so bad to break that to save this person? I don't know...

Oh the way if you've read this far you may ask who's this person? They must be someone damn important for you to go through this much strife over. A friend? A lover? No.. It's my dad

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Just like a dog...

I actively try and do a damn good job at not letting people walk all over me. I'm the first to tell someone to fuck off if I feel they are gonna take me for a ride but honestly when it comes to my friends or people I care about I tend to get walked on and just take it. I really hate that I can't recall a time when I had to be overly stern or downright a complete asshole to a friend of mine who's wronged me no matter what happened or how fucked my personal situation is. I don't know maybe I just need to grow a fucking spine and open my mouth and talk but I guess I don't want to be that friend who is tolerated and not appreciated. I donno anymore :/

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My mood and the holidays

the last few years i've been a total scrooge or however the fuck you spell it about christmas and the newyears and all the other holidays (thanksgiving too). The closer they get the more pissed off i get but since i was 17 i've tried not to pawn off my bad mood on other peeps around me trying to be happy because it isn't fair. I shouldn't be a dick to someone else trying to have an awesome time because of how i was treated in the past. So i do what i do best and hold in all that emotion and the urge to drink so much i don't even remember the day at all. And it fucking hurts. It really does. to be honestly blunt i don't want to see the joy on a child's face as they tear into those presents. I don't want to see a happy family eating together and shit. Because it hurts but for the last three years i did another thing that i also do quite well and bear the pain. It just about physically hurts to see that and i don't really know what it is. I donno whether it's the fact that i think that it's something i'll never have so my selfishness turns into jealousy. last christmas i got to spend with Arc and Nevermint and i had an absolute blast while i was there i was in complete bliss but afterward it really sucked it was almost like PCD. It'd be one thing to have not had shit like that before but it's another to have the whole "you're the spawn of a fuckup and you're going to turn out just like him so you're not worth it" speech year after year. now imagine a 8 year old's face when he hears that. or when he goes back to school and sees all the cool shit everyone else got. yeah uhm fuck that. Fuck them. i've already proved them wrong that i'm not like him and I'm in a career now and finishing up college. not some drug dealing, car stealing, drug addicted, in-and-out-of-jail, rejected fuckwit unlike someone else i know...

i dono...

time for things that make me happy like cinaabuns!
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My actual bloodline family

i'm getting really tired of them really fast i just went in an emotional backflip in the last ten minutes. My grandfather called me and started screaming at me saying i stole...his mittens...two years ago...fucking seriously. First off two years ago i'dve never been interested in some fuckn mittens and i'm still not and for me to steal mittens when i have my $180 boardin gloves is retarded in and of itself and nobody can dig under my skin like my family with their words so i'm goddamn enraged at this point like i threw my phone had to move the glasses away from me chainsmoke two cigarettes and take a shower only to get out and find that i have a new voice mail not five minutes after he called me acusing me of being a thief and a liar he left me a message saynig he found his gloves and he wants me to call back and let him apologize. If i do now i'm going to say something i WILL regret.

Now onto my brother my eldest one Pher. I inherited something very dear to me from my other late brother Roibi and it was something we made together. well technically i didn't inherit it when roibi died it went to pher because there was no will and he's next of kin really or something like that. and since it was something that only roibi and i worked on and he didn't want it he told me "it's yours" in those words exact so i used it but it's rather spacious so i left it with him now i'm in an apartment he tells me "take it or i'm selling it" and fully knowing that there is no way i can take it right now. so he sold it...now here's the part that pisses me off legally it was his...and because of that he believes that i shouldn't get the money...even though i made it. i wouldn't be half as pissed if i got the money for it because it's not pocket change by any means. now tell me how that's right?

i'm not even going to go anywhere on my dad i've reformed since he's last seen me so i'm going to give him the benifit of the doubt until proven otherwise and give him a chance by hanging out with him a little at MFF and see how this turns out i may even visit my little brother who i havn't seen in 6 years and his bitch of a mother and grandmother and well entire family save a few. and my cousin josh too i miss our epic wrestling matches.

but the recent events made me wanna vent so here it is my venting :/ this is why i consider my friends my real family because y'all can be shitheads sometimes but i'll always love y'all <3
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2 Years...

He'd be in highschool now and i'd get to start teasin him about all the girls that would be all over him andn his truck...

It's about the time where we'd start takin him to the track and teachin' him how to actually drive...

he'd be about 14 now...

it's been 2 years since brain cancer took my little brother Blake i went upto vail today and watched some old home videos and looked through photo albums and it's really awesome how he grew. My favorite video was when he was about 2 years old maybe a few months younger because he wasn't saying much and we got him a plastic trycicle but he just wouldn't put his feet on the pedals and Roibi Pher and I kept putting his feet on the pedals and he'd try for a second but the balance would be uncomfortable and he'd walk sitting down on it. Roibi tried to phsysically set his feet on the pedals and he like grunt/yelled at him and roibi backed off with his hands to the sides like "okay okay fine!" and when he got to a crack in the sidewalk that he couldn't get over he stopped looked around at all of us almost like he was about to ask for help but he picked up the trycicle instead and carried it still in the seat walking over the crack.

That really does describe alot of how his mentality towards alot of things. he'd always do something the hard way we'd try and help him he'd lash out at us and when an obstacle that he couldn't overcome at first got in his way he'd look to us for a split second considering help but it's almost as if he said in his head "fuck that" and he found a way past it

I've never seen anyone in my life more fascinated with monstertrucks too. Big Foot was his absolute favorite he hated Grave digger! i've seen some awesome shows with him and had tons of fun way better than a baseball game or anything like that.

But my absolute favorite memory of Blake it's really one that's been passed down as a tradition from brother to brother. It started with Roibi or whoever taught it to him but out here my family snowboards it's just what we do and we all live on the double blacks (hardest difficulty runs) no matter what age you are i took my first one non stop when i was 5 years old and the same went for blake and more often than not we were tricked down the runs going in a direction that didn't let us see the difficulty signs. Roibi and i listened to james brown and "doing it to death (gonna have a funky good time)" was our favorite song so when ever roibi took me down a dangerous run i'd sing that out loud...and so would blake

my man! taking down runs well over his age people literally 5 and 6 times his age struggling with it with this little tyke just coasting past them carving like a pro singing out loud "we're gonna have a funky good time! we gotta take it HIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGHER!" at the top of his lungs

i'mma miss you bro i do every day you're not here....
I love you Blake
  • Current Music
    doing it to death (gonna have a funky good time)- James Brown